I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
