I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
