did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
