please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm sobbing to NWA
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
