I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
