Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
