can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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