I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
