If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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