i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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