Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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