U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
