I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He passed out mid-signature
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
