i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
