I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i came on her dog
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
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