I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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