No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
