I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
