I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
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