I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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