i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
