I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
