Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize