I wish my penis had an off switch
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
