My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
