It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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