you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
