Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
