someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
