By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
