he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
