you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
