Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
