I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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