In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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