guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
