On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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