Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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