I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
