If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
