I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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