I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
