Dude my mom stole all your condoms
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
