HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
