remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
