Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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