I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
The adults are the big ones right?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
