No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
