i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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