Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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