A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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