Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
