Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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