just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
