Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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