im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
