You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
