If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
A+ Viking dick
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
