You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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