i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
