Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize